A little lonely

I’m left alone and maybe behind,

lost in some words I never spoke outside my mind

Again and again I brag and cry

In a soundless scream inside.

A heavy snow has settled in my world

folded now inside these drifts

I fell asleep …

I fell asleep.

The nightmare I can see is real

The touch, the smell, the fear

I can’t avert my eyes wide closed

From this never-dying ghost.

It is the person who I was,

And the one I was supposed to be

Inside me is now a chaos

Maybe even I … am a ghost.

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time

As days go by I find little time to stop thinking about anything and just calm down my mind, is not that I would have some great problems I have to carry out is just that I feel so tired and somehow worthless to just stay there, happy while around are so many things happening so many people suffering and so on, but thinking it all over I suppose this is also a way of making myself feel better, by taking pity on others I feel kinder, alas that’s the conclusion I can jump to.

But somehow maybe is not just some pity to make me feel better, maybe in the end I all thinking about all these worthless things just to make my mind feel occupied and busy losing the ” time” to actually think about myself not as a myself but as an individual with needs and maybe problems. Is like I have this addiction of jumping on myself and whenever I can’t find something to keep myself busy with it feels like I’m going crazy, and my mode is turned upside down …

I wonder when did I developed this kind of defense mode which actually doesn’t really help me but it actually just skipping the problem by postponing it.

Somehow after writing the thing above it feels like I’m somehow a coward but even so, I can’t change much… rather I don’t want to change anything.

listen

Whatever you are and whatever you want to be is not your decision and your act only , as the power who rules the world decides which wish will be fulfilled and which one will go to waste

Now what makes the difference between the one whose wish was fulfilled and the one whose wish was is just the amount of energy and they they spent on that particular wish . Then what do you do when you look around and you see that there are people working hard , harder than you , but their reasoning to achieve the same thing you do is completely different , maybe lame or they don’t even do it for themselves , while for you , wishing that thing is the only thing you can think of and spend your time on but the fear of not achieving it stops you from taking that much action that others take , what do you do then ? Are you willing to simply give away your dream because your efforts lack quantity ? Or are you willing to keep your pace up and believe that someday you will achieve it ?

In psychology they say that if one is deprived of  the right of making his own choices he , someday ,  will lose the will of making a choice , and will even forget to want to do stuff for himself , he will forget his favorite stuff , flavors ,colors and everything , and as an individual he will be like an empty shell , which in its essence won’t contain anything . While trying to say your opinions . likes and dislikes is now considered by society as an act of narcissism or egoism , not saying them makes you lose yourself and the paramountey that any human is having . Well then , what do you do ?

Is terrifying how people made rules which destroy basically the mankind , but this is what human is , an incomplete work , of a bored artist

more than ..

I’ts like a headache .

The more I think the more I  fail to reach an answer . I seek time , but he’s running like crazy . Somehow I’m awfully scared , and somehow , I got this intense curiosity .

I’m twisted , am I not?

Sometimes I cannot hear , nor smile , nor react . I’m trapped in this micro-universe generated by my own mind . Is funny , I see fuzzy things , like I would see some bad captured movie , but while I am seeing it I’m not really bothered by that kind of quality …

Is strange , everything moves , people change , but I feel frozen and stuck somewhere .

rot rot rot

While they try to express , they are shy , and most of them , are trying to say : dont get me wrong

Is there any okay and any wrong ?

Like the light and the dark do we really need to separate them ?

Doesn’t that mean that we are splitting our own kind in too ?

dot dot dot

And i know that I’m lying when I say I will change . I’m hurting myself looking back at my mistakes .There is no wonder why I can’t  get up . Is nobody’s fault that I’m falling in my own trap .

I look at the sky , asking forgiveness .

I look at my hands , asking my meaning .

There’s nothing to feel , but this restless feeling

Got nothing to receive , although I’m giving