As days go by I find little time to stop thinking about anything and just calm down my mind, is not that I would have some great problems I have to carry out is just that I feel so tired and somehow worthless to just stay there, happy while around are so many things happening so many people suffering and so on, but thinking it all over I suppose this is also a way of making myself feel better, by taking pity on others I feel kinder, alas that’s the conclusion I can jump to.

But somehow maybe is not just some pity to make me feel better, maybe in the end I all thinking about all these worthless things just to make my mind feel occupied and busy losing the ” time” to actually think about myself not as a myself but as an individual with needs and maybe problems. Is like I have this addiction of jumping on myself and whenever I can’t find something to keep myself busy with it feels like I’m going crazy, and my mode is turned upside down …

I wonder when did I developed this kind of defense mode which actually doesn’t really help me but it actually just skipping the problem by postponing it.

Somehow after writing the thing above it feels like I’m somehow a coward but even so, I can’t change much… rather I don’t want to change anything.


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